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The Chosen One

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[12 Jan 2005|10:09pm]
LOW AND BEHOLD IT'S ZACH...i hate you all
so mikes a douche bag hardcore
"my names mike my password to live journal is *********"
what a dip shit
i mean c'mon i fuckin got in, in like 2 seconds
So here is tonights agenda
get my wonder twin powers working
find another person to turn into a knife
and then turn into JoJo the knife fighting drunk monkey
then i'm gonna find dave Kraemer and stab him all the time
Then he'll stop bothering kyle
Travis you need to hurry up and send me some shit

love zach
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Bitches! [20 Jul 2004|12:25am]
When the fuck did women become so goddamn needy? Now. This is not all women I speak off. To imply all women would be a glaring stereotype that even feminists couldn't concieve (for those of you confused on their stupidity, see earlier entry on feminazis and thongs). However, this breed of woman I speak of does make up an overwhelming majority of the female population. We Humans, cannot even enjoy the sanctity of our television without coming across these needy skanks. So I, The Ruch, your Lord and Savior will help you identify these completely valueless members of society, so that in the future, they can be forcibly sodomized and murdered as would be all to fitting for their ilk.

1. The PMS Bitch

Ok. Now I dont know about you, but I'm sick and tired of poor behavior being justified by the excuse "I'm on my peroid." Um, fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you are? You wanna know pain? You wanna talk about pain... I was in fucking Vietnam!! I had people with almond eyes shooting bamboo spikes at my genitals! That's pain! That's stress! Oh, boo hoo, you bleed out your inferior internal sexual organs for a week. That's nothing. And one more thing. No matter how hard you try, it will never be an excuse. The next time a woman excuses her own behavior by saying she's on her peroid, a man should jam his penis in her eye and skull fuck her, and when she doesn't like it, say it isn't his fault he has SMS (superior man syndrome).

2. The "I don't do blowjobs" Bitch.

I have a gun. You do what I say. Understood?

3. The Women Get Paid Less Than Men Bitch

Ok, this lie just has to stop. Really who buys this shit anymore? Women get paid too much. I mean think about it, in the old days, a woman came in, she got my coffee, I slapped her ass, she blew me, I backhanded her for not wanting to swallow, and she went home. That's how it should be. Sexual Harassment shouldn't be a crime, its a woman's role in a working society. Choke on that slap nuts. Oh, and if you disagree, see point number 2.

4. The "You Never Pick On Guys" Bitch

You're right. Men are clearly superior, however they do have their faults. But in all honesty, I couldn't fill a page with all of the male gender's flaws. Some guys have small penises and they put excessive parts and augmentations on their cars. That's really about it.

5. The "You Act Like A Child" Bitch

Liar liar, pants on fire. Cunt.

6. The "Just Because I Runaway, Doesn't Mean I'm A Coward" Bitch

That's too fucking stupid for me to even acknowledge. I mean, Jesus Christ. Running away from a fight, is the definition of a coward. Read something that doesn't focus on what the secret to Nick and Jessica's facial clarity is, and see if we can keep these moments from happening again. Oh, and stop being a failure at life.

7. The "I Find Gay Guys Sexy" Bitch.

Isn't this how AIDS came about?

8. The "I Love God Too Much To Toss Your Salad" Bitch

God gave you a tounge, God gave me an ass, you do the fucking math dipshit. And while we are on the subject, shave your cootch! OBEY ME WHORE!

9. The "This Is Supposed To Be About Needy Women, Not Bitchy" Bitch

Well done. You've noticed this. Bravo, bra-fucking-vo. You've taken the time to notice the difference between where I started and where I ended up. However, why not spend your time more effectively and learn to stop bleeding out your hidey-hole. My advice to you: Invest in a staple gun.

I'm done. Oh, and thanks to the many who provide the inspiration for such scathing comments. You are the ones who make this all possible. Whores.
2 comments|post comment

The Wonders of How Everything I Say Is Distorted [29 May 2004|03:53pm]
Recently, an essay has been passed around the internet much like a chain letter would about a proposal to reopen the draft. On a forum where I quasi-regularly post, the very same essay was linked, and opinions were given. I, in my fervor to spread the Word of Me, decided to put my comments on there. What follows is what I wrote:

"Once again, its issues of this nature that make me wonder how fucking short sighted people can be. I mean think about it. First things first, if there was a draft.. this kid is soooo getting drafted. How do I know? Cause there is no God. Live it, learn it, accept it. No God.

Now. The meer possibility of that shows that the American government does not at all realize how insane that is. Look at it this way, I cant get on I-695 at 4 in the afternoon with out screaming at people that go by. Literally everyday I come home that way I roll down my window and scream "aye! essa vato, move that shit, punta" at the douchebag who's dick is so small he had to put a farpipe on a goddamn honda civic (I hate them so). Knowing I'll do that, who in their right fucking mind is gonna give me an M4. I mean. Do the damn math.

I can't handle light-medium density traffic, and you want to give me a fully automatic assault rifle. Jesus f'n Christ! If you believed there was a God coming into this, your faith should be gone by now. Cause a just and merciful God would never give me a gun, nor would he allow the government to give me that gun and tell me to shoot the "naughty people". I hate everyone! EVERYONE IS A NAUGHTY PERSON TO ME! They would all be dead! It should also be noted that a just and merciful God would have given me cancer or a damn stroke years ago, which only reinforces my point about such a creature being non-existant.

People. Do what you must! But you must stop the American government from GIVING ME A GUN, and telling me to go into another nation and kill some brown people. Its not right."

See! Nothing strange there. I don't think anything stated above was in any way, shape or form, different from one would expect me to put. Nor did I feel anything said there was especially controversial, I mean, I didn't say we should rape Iraqi children did I? Exactly, I didn't. So, I went to bed, fully content that the uneducated masses weren't going to be able to justify their moronic persuit against me. Once again, you useless half-wits managed to prove me wrong, and sink to new lows of dismal intellect.

The first hateful comment was as follows:

"Hey... uh.... mike. I don't know how to tell you this. But... you live in America. And if you wanted an assault rifle (depending on what state you're in) you could just buy one.

People like you drove me fucking insane in Albuquerque. Acting all tough, 'cause they had a gun.... putting up fronts because their mommies didn't love them. Anyway... don't rip God, just because you're a fucking putz.

That's all for now"

Jesus Christ. A CANADIAN... A FUCKING CANADIAN... is going ot judge... ME! What the fuck? I don't you people can possibly judge America for our Texans, or religious right when you house in your country an evil even greater than that of the Catholic Church. That evil being Quebec. Yes, Quebec, two steps gayer than hippies, and one step less gay than the French. Oh, wait. You ARE French. Welcome to reality, you are Eurotrash-lite. Good job, you're the diet coke of French. Bra-fucking-vo.

Our second bit of hatred:

"I don't know about anyone else but I'd certainly appreciate it if you didn't wave your atheism around in such an insulting manner."

Yep. That's right, just when you thought my enemies couldn't get any more homosexual... the Christians come out. How do these people sleep at night? I mean, you worship a 2000 year old dead Jew. You worship a man, who wasn't even Jewish enough to control the fucking media. And on top of that, he's three people in one! That's right, he's his own father, his own son, and a creepy ghost all in the same package. Its like the white trash version of Scooby-doo! Rut-roh raggy, a rag!

In all this, I only had one supporter, who simply stated:

"Oh, and ruch... There is a god, we're just not on his team."

That's not true. Not true at all. There is a god, and he is either Me, or he loves Me more than you. Get a life. Worship someone who didn't wear a thorny crown. Worship someone who wears your mom and you're girlfriend's vagina at the same time. The Ruch.

Do as I do my little negroes.
2 comments|post comment

Answering The Obvious Question [19 Mar 2004|02:40am]
You know, a lot of people ask me why it is I pick on women more then men? "Don't men do just as many foolish things as women?" they say.

Or "Ruch, why not talk about all the bad things guys do."

Well, I'm here to point out exactly why I pick on women more than men. See, for one, yes lots of men do stupid things, however, those men do stupid things in small, isolated groups. For example, the guys who have penises that are so small, they have to throw a bunch of useless augmentations onto their cars, as if somehow having a farpipe was going to distract people from the fact they have a penis so small it couldn't bring an 8 yr old girl to orgasm.

Sidenote: Pedophilla is a-ok. So long as it is restricted to really bratty kids. The kind who cry, or talk, or expect to be fed. Or who ask stupid questions like "mommy, why is daddy hitting you?" or "mommy why is daddy hugging aunt mary, and why aren't they wearing any clothes?" or my personal favorite "mommy, why did daddy grab your no-no spot and scream this is mine at the bowling alley... then force you to do clean his no-no spot with your mouth? and then why did he make you clean all his friend's no-no spots?". I mean christ bitch, piece it together yourself you ignorant ass. But I digress.

You see. I will now illustrate why I pick on women more.

This is a conversation I had earlier today.

me: hey.
girl: hey.
me: s'goin on?
::fifteen minutes later::
me: are... you... alive?

What makes this worse is, I had this exact same conversation, practically word for word with multiple individuals. Now someone might ask, "how does that show why you pick on girls more?" And to them I would say, hold your horses fucknut. Its called building a case, read a book asswipe.

This is how that same conversation would go if the girl was a guy.

me: hey
guy: hey
me: s'goin on?
::fifteen minutes later::
me: are... you.. alive?
guy: yeah. i got caught up in the moment.
me: what moment?
guy: well. my girlfriend saw this bunny she really, really liked. so i ran out into the yard, and used my manly super-speed to catch it. then i tortured it for a while before forcing her to stick part of its corpse in her vagina. why? what were you doing?
me: I forced this girl to blow me at gunpoint, then right after I shot my load, I jammed my knuckle into her eye, just to show her how clearly superior I am.
guy: We sure are awesome.
me: Yes, clearly we are the superior gender.

Notice the lack of bitching. Notice how when faced with the situation, the guy didn't act like a complete waste of humanity who deserves to have razor sharp quills shoved into their crusty, illbegotten cooter. I rest my case.
3 comments|post comment

A Brief Synopsis of the Inferiority of the Female Gender [01 Feb 2004|01:23am]
1. The Vagina. Think about it for a second, when was the last time you heard of someone making rational decisions when under the influence of the bloody vertical smile. And I'm not British. Seriously though, STOP BLEEDING OUT YOUR VAGINAS. It has to stop.

2. The Ford Focus/VW Beetle/PT Cruiser/Ford Mustang Post 1980,etc. Ok. Women know nothing of mechanical devices. If they did, cancer would have been cured by now. BUT NO! What do they do.. they waste their time doing makeup, and bitching, wasting time, gossiping, spending hundreds of dollars on things even the most retarded of the retards would deam useless, breathing in my air, and not blowing me.

3. The National Organization of Women. What can be said of these hairy, demi-chimps, other than, that they are failures as human beings. They are a catastrophic waste of human life.

4. Pro-lifers. Its a fetus. Suck it up, jackasses. Oh boo hoo. Some poor crack baby wont be allowed to live, and instead will be killed. Big fucking deal. I can't imagine that spending time shaking and drooling on themselves while beating off in public is a real wonderful life to live. And we get the added bonus of them not robbing us in 20 years. Look on the bright side, dink.

5. The French. I dont have any of your fancy law school "evidence" however, I'm goddamn sure that the giners are at fault for this one.

6. Teenage Pregnancy. Now how the hell can you blame this one on us? I mean christ, like we ever WANT to have kids. And you know damn well, if asked, we'd be first in line to jam that hanger up your ill used cooter.

7. Ass Hair. Also, completely and totally your fault.

8. The Jews. See above.

9. This isn't so much a reason as it is a proven fact. Saddam Hussein is sooooo a girl.

10. Hitler also had a vagina. Look it up dickhead, its in there.

11. Infidelity. Look if you bitches would do your godddamn job, we wouldn't have to cheat.

12. Spanish Inquisition. Also your fault. By default. Irony.

13. Now, I'm not a christian. (le gasp) However, I am fairly certain, if there was a Hell, and a Satan, it would have a vagina the size of the Grand Canyon. Why do i say that? Because think of how goddamn hot hell is. Only a bitch in menopause could servive there.

14. Rape Victims. Look, you brought it upon yourselves. Seriously though, as per bullet 11, if you'd just do your fucking job, we wouldn't have to do this. However, I should point out. Rape is God's gift to man. His gift to women? Housework.

15. The Date-Rape Drug. How ill named is that? It should be called the Magic "I'm gonna get some" pill.
26 comments|post comment

Jimmy Buffet is an Obnoxious Ass. [06 Oct 2003|01:09pm]
So I go to Hersheypark, which for those of you unfamiliar with the area is Disneyworld, except fatter. So anywho, as I meander about the park with my comrade Nick Kmon we happened through an area of the park which... well, let me back up. Theme parks are miserable places. Its that simple. Paying 50 bucks to wait in line three hours to ride a sub-par ride. Theme parks are what I think would have happened if Hitler had won WWII and decided to be nice.

Twisted bastard, but I digress.

So anyway, one section of this pseudo-concentration camp seemed obsessed with playing the music (and I use the term as liberally as humanly possible) of one Jimmy Buffet. Now, Buffet is what we in the Team Hate community would call a crime against humanity. Sure, Hitler killed millions of jews, but he only did it for less than a decade, Buffet has been committing crimes against good taste for well... Christ alone only knows.

One of his songs, which was the only one the park was played is entitled "Cheeseburger in Paradise". Now I'm sorry, but Jesus Christ there are TOO MANY FAT PEOPLE AS IT IS! I include myself in that (see footnotes). This song basically equates feelings of euphoria and pleasure with the eating of processed cattle flesh with cheese on it. People, when will we learn that its wrong to be fat. Its that simple. Though writing songs with seems to promote obesity is one thing, but it would seem this bastard couldn't stop at that. OH NO! This twisted child molester freak had bigger plans for the people of Earth. He also felt the need to create an evil cult consisting of the lowest rungs of society, upper middle class white people, yuppies, and hippies.

This evil cult, self-dubbed the ParrotHeads (I shudder at such a stupid monkier), sit around eat cheeseburgers,get drunk on sissy drinks like Corona Light, and Margaritas, which seem to serve as the bread and the wine in Catholic circles. In reality both organizations are very similar, they lead the stupid and the useless into submissive states of being. So... In the end, I guess we have to murder all ParrotHeads and Catholics... and the Jews.. seems like no one's picked on them in a while, and if someone doesn't, they might get cocky. And the last thing we need is for everyone with the last name Schwartz getting a big head as they drive their 100 grand Benz down the road.


This is why I should make a career shift from college student and MESSIAH OF MY CHOSEN PEOPLE... to...

sociopath... and of course MESSIAH OF MY CHOSEN PEOPLE.

Go forth and do your LORD'S work my children.

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha.
2 comments|post comment

Your Lord and Savior, The Ruch, Throws His Hat Into Politics [22 Aug 2003|12:45am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Recently I was watching the news and found myself horrified by the situation in California. For those of you that don't know (which would be most of the illiterate lackeys who read this crap) Republicans in California bought signatures which will call for an emergancy electon to name a new governor there. Some of the canidates include Gary Coleman, Areana... ok.. I cant spell her name.. which means she can't be worth a damn, if she was, she'd change her name to something less Martian, and of course the Terminator.

Jesus Christ, did these cock jockeys not get the message? I mean.. a 3 foot tall black man, the creature from the foreign accent lagoon, and Mr. "I'm gonna PUMP YOU UP". This is the best we could do? I mean hell, I've seen better politicans at a Wham concert.

Sidenote: Wham, for those of you who dont know, suck.

Fucking Aussies...

Anyway. Seeing the dismal state of politics in California, I, The Ruch, have decided to run for governor of California. And where Kindergarden Cop may have announced on Jay Leno, I'm making my announcement here on my livejournal. So we take you now live to my announcement. Enjoy.

(walks out in front of the microphone and fires up a blunt)

Greetings homos of the press!

(holds for applause)

I, The Ruch, your lord and savior have called you all here today to make an important announcement. (takes a hit) Whew.. that's good shit right there. Anyway, my announcement. I am here to announce that I will be running for Governor of California. Now I know what you guys are thinking. You are thinking to yourselves "Why? Why would you do such a thing?" Well. I'll tell you, quite frankly, I am horrified by you inferior dirt monkies, and I seek to mold you into something, whose very image does not cause me to vomit all over myself.

Now, being the wonderful creature I am. I will take some questions from the audience. You go ahead.

"Hello. I'm John Wayfield, I was wondering how you could possibly handle this state's drug problem when in fact you are using marijuana at this very moment?"

(pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head)

Next. You. Speak now.

"Hi. I'm Wendy Tes..."

You're a woman?

"Yes, but my question.."


"But I.."

Sieze her!

(two men in black suits come out and drag her off, never to be seen again)


"Yeah. I'm Tyrome, I'm wonderin how the fuck you gonna handle the problem we have with white boys tryin to act all black and shit?"

Good question. I plan to grant minority status to all white kids who try to act black. Then herd them up and have them killed mass grave style.

(gives him the black panther sign) You's my nigga man.

"Damn right negro."


(the back door comes flying open and the woman from earlier comes running in.. semi nude and screaming...)

"Rape! Rape!"

(aims his gun)

Get out of here bitch. For I silt your throat and fuck the whole.


(dives at her with a knife, killing her... and has his pants half pulled down when he realizes where he is)

Um.. uh.. you saw her... she had a knife.. it was kill or be killed. You fucking saw it.. all you did... you're accomplices now. Dont you go tellin shit. Man fuck this I'm outta here.

(dashes out the door.. dragging the dead woman with him)

Well. That was my official speech. And let me tell you, me and that dead woman.. we did it..




Anyway. I hope come election time you'll remember to vote for me. Or I'll kidnap your wife and violate her.

4 comments|post comment

The First Episode Of "Why More People Need To Get Abortions" [29 Apr 2003|12:29am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

When I started this livejournal about a year ago, I created it more or less to serve as an outpost for my various rants on different topics. Over the last year, I've covered such topics as Bush's presidency, the evolution of television, women in a changing society, and how goddamn great I am. Well, recently Rutgers University came out with a study which sought to see just how great I am. Well, the study came out and I, The Ruch, am right about 97.803% of the time. Which is up 2.201% from 2001. Anyway, as a result of all this over the time I've done this livejournal, an increasing number of people have emailed me in regards to my work. Usually, I just delete it because quite frankly most of it is complete crap. Recently though I was inspired by another site (http://maddox.xmission.com) to take full advantage of the increasing amount of email I've received. So today I proudly present a bit, which if all goes well I fully intend to contine and make a tradition on this site. I present to you episode one of "Why More People Need To Get Abortions". Enjoy.

This email inspired me so much that I felt that I would not just respond to it, I would respond to it publicly on the very site which inspired this person to write in the first place.

This is an actual email I received a while ago. I have copied it word for word with no alterations made to the grammar or the spelling. The name and email address has been withheld because I'm pretty sure this could get me sued.

dear themojoicone,

first off fuck u i read what u said about girls and we cant help it if we get pissed when we have our periods. lets see ho u feel when you bleed out ya d**k bastard. but i cant stay mad at u cause i think your sh*t is mad funny and way kewl. especially when u said that femansts are apes cause they r really really really nasty and someone should tell them they r way to hairy and like what the f**k is all that ya know. so what r u doin for 420? im gonna smoke MMAADD weed. woot! well neway kewl site. byes.

{name and address withheld}

Now for all the folks at home, I will go over this monstrocity line by line so we can all learn something from this... this... this whatever the hell it is.

"dear themojoicone"

Ok. The Mojoic One is three words. But that is a fairly easy mistake to make so we'll let that one slide.

"first off fuck u i read what u said about girls and we cant help it if we get pissed when we have our periods."

Dear, its called a comma. Do you see what I wrote before? That little line before dear. Its called a comma, and its used to break up shit like that. Also, yes you can help if you get pissed off when you get your peroid. Its called self control you assmonkey. When will women learn that isn't an excuse? I mean, if a woman kills 7 children and she goes to trial, and she says "well I killed them while I was on the rag" they are supposed to let her off. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

"lets see ho u feel when you bleed out ya d**k bastard."

I stand corrected. I think I know how I'll feel when I piss blood. I'll feel pissed off that I got too drunk to turn down some nasty ass green pussy. Now, that being said, why is it she feels the need to censor the word dick but not bastard? Is bastard just not dirty enough for our pissy girl and her seemingly endless river of blood? Oh, and did she call me a ho?

"but i cant stay mad at u cause i think your sh*t is mad funny and way kewl."

I will now repeat this line again but this time with all the errors pointed out.

"but(not capitalized) i (not capitalized) cant (no apostrophe) stay mad at u (mispelled) cause (should be because) i (not capitalized) think your sh*t (there is no * in shit) is mad funny (that's just wrong... so horribly wrong) and way kewl. (bad grammar, mispelled)."

I mean Jesus Christ I thought they had special classes for people like this. I mean crap, this is further proof that ravers shouldn't be allowed to have computers.

"especially when u said that femansts are apes cause they r really really really nasty and someone should tell them they r way to hairy and like what the f**k is all that ya know."

What the hell is a femanst? Well, judging by the fact that they are hairy apes I can only assume that our crack smoking friend meant feminists.

"so what r u doin for 420? im gonna smoke MMAADD weed. woot!"

This girl is a huge pothead. Who didn't see that coming? Anyone? Anyone? (retarded kid in wheel chair screams 'poop' and is promptly taken out back and shot) And what the fuck is woot? I mean crap on a stick, is it some sort of bug? Oh wait! I got it! Its the sound this girl makes when she blows her father. "really daddy, I get to suck your dick. kewl, woot!" Jackasses, the whole lot of them.

"well neway kewl site. byes."

I'm living in the village of the damned. This folks is why I really want to kill myself. I mean come on... she spelled cool... kewl. SHE ONLY GOT ONE OF THE LETTERS RIGHT!!! AND TWO ARE THE SAME GODDAMN LETTER!

Jesus... I need a drink.

1 comment|post comment

Greetings to all my fans on livejournal!! [01 Mar 2003|03:11am]
Ok, so I think its time I came clean. I've been neglecting this thing. Ignoring it, allowing it to collect cyberdust, or whatever the fuck kind of dust exists on the internet. But mostly, I've been neglecting the readers. Ahh yes, all nine of you loyal readers. Hell, I'd even call you my Ruchomaniacs, but I'm pretty sure that would violate copyright laws, and good taste alike, so alas, I will not.

Anyway, the reason I come before you guys today is to deliver a message given to me by another. You see, a couple weeks ago a friend of mine asked me, to deliver his message to you the reading audience. At first I protested. Then the person in question threatened to cut off my left testicle and film me eating it for a pay per view special that person intends on broadcasting later this year at a modest viewing price of 39.99.

So, to cut to the chase. The views and ideas of one Zamza, the author of this speech, are not those of myself, Team Hate, The Regime, The Corner, or Jesus Christ: Our Lord and Savior. Please dont leave a comment telling me how fucked up this is. I already know, and am posting it under protest.

"Rantings of Zanza at 2 A.M.
ok so the whole concept of sexis mind blogeling...
there are 2 reasons for sex, to porcreate and to have an orgasim
Now i don't want a kid, people piss meoff, so why would I want to make something that pisses me off...I don't.
so that only leaves me with one option...orgasims
Now why would I want a woman for that. Because fucking a woman is just fucking a hole, now I have a hole with my hand.
The only difference is lubrication, so why would I want to deal with a womans shit for something I can do myself? Also the sayings still stay true.
"Don't send a woman to do a mans job", and:
"If you want the job done right then do it yourself."
So by now you're saying Zanza that is quite a bias opinnion and its true i'll admit it, I've never had sex
So that brings me to a new point...I should cut my dick off. Idon't like it, it's hard and i can't pee easily in the morning, and I always have to wait for it to go down.
So what is an orgasim?
It's a form a pleasure, well I can get an electrode connected to the pleasure center of my brain. Then I can have a pleasure thats about 1 million times better than an orgasim
But now you're saying you can overdose on pleasure and whenn you overdose you lose all bodily function control...and thats why I'm gona do this
in the bathtub, so that way the mess gets cleaned up when I clean myself off.
AH!!! My life is so grand now


Wow, that's just fucked up. Oh man. Well, see if you can guess who penned that literary masterpiece.

And uhh... I'll try to post something of mine some time soon, however, I make no guarantees.
3 comments|post comment

Stolen from TheOnion.com [29 Nov 2002|02:28am]
Top Euphemisms for that time of the month:

1.Ridin' the cotton pony
2.Checking into the Red Roof Inn
3.Kate Bush-ing
4.Falling to the Communists
5.A visit from Cap'n Bloodsnatch
6.Walking along the beach in soft focus
7."Red Skelton dropped by"
8.Gettin' down the the O.B.
9."It's that time of the month where I'm not at my best because my vagina is bleeding"

I think that is so funny. But wait and see. Soon the complaints will be just flying in. Oh well.
1 comment|post comment

[12 Nov 2002|12:58am]
Well the big thing is that i'm seeing kottonmouth in less than 4 days.
However, it comes at a price. You see for the first time in 3 yrs i will be unable to purchase a wrestling cd the day it comes out.
(insert fake sympathy here)

anyway, here are some funnys i've been kicking around. i hope you enjoy

Things can allways be worse. Its a fact.

Example 1.
You are a middle class woman and you come home one day to see your husband assraping your dog.
You may say it cant be worse. But it can. You see you could come home to see the dog assraping your husband.
Or the dog could be dead.

Example 2.
You are going to be tried for double murder.
You may say itcant be worse but it can.
You could be tried for double murder and the subsequent act of having sex with the dead bodies.
Or worse yet you could be in Texas.
Or even worse you could be in Texas and black.
Sidenote: hasn't president bush made being a minority illegal?

Remember kiddies. RAPE is just EPAR backwards.

Also remember, when getting out of the shower. Always wear a towel. If you dont evil ferrets will try to invade your ass.

Feminists are really just apes in disguise. That explains all the excess body hair!!
1 comment|post comment

The Plauge! The Plauge! [25 Oct 2002|04:43pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Why Will You Go To Hell?

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Hey, its a tough job but someone has to do it. Anyway, my halfling sister in the eternal void that is her mind coughed in my face repeatedly on monday, so here I am, the latest host of the plauge. Sidenote: if she was my brother.. she would definatly have difficulty moving around... after I broke her kneecaps.

However, on the upside I will be making my great pilgrimage to Mecca tomarrow. Well not exactly. See instead of going to a city of great religious and historical signifigance, I'm going to a 3rd rate movie theatre to see Jackass the movie. So in essence I'm doing nothing at all like a pilgrimage to Mecca. But lets be honest, what's so great about mecca anyway? Does mecca have a midget kicking himself in the head? NO! Does it have a guy smearing poo on another guy? NO!

That's it as of today i'm starting my own radical faction of Islam. We will call ourselves Homicide Inc.

Actually fuck it... i'm gonna go take 8 dayquills.

Ruchster, Out.

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Another of God's Cruel Jokes [13 Oct 2002|09:23pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Television. TV. The Boob Tube. The Blue Glow.
It has many names. It has entertained people in industrialized nations for about over 50 years. It has shown us moments will remember forever. The Moon-Landing, The Kennedy Assassination, The Vietnam War, The Watergate Scandal, The Cuban Missile Crisis, The Fall of the Berlin Wall, The Collapse of Communism, Desert Storm, The Clinton Impeachment, September 11th, The War on Terrorism. I could go on... but most even slightly educated people get my drift.

Well, anyway... today I witnessed something which may go down in the annals of history as another of the most memorable moments for television.

So, I was watching Dr. Dolittle (which i thought i was going to hate but was talked into... and i ended up liking it) when they broke to commercial.

Now the commercial started out nice. It started with a close-up of this hot chick's ass. A real close up. Great effort was made to let the viewing public know that this hot chick was wearing a thong. Which again didn't illict a negative response from me, due to my penis.

Then said hot chick spoke. "Now, i'm ready to go." At this point being the stupid male i am... i was so going to buy whatever the hell she's selling. I'm rushing to put on shoes so i can go buy whatever it is that hottie is pushing.

Then my heart sank when the announcer spoke. She spoke words which would ruin the fantasy which i had created between myself and the ass girl.

"Now ladies, you can wear that sexy thong even on your heavy days!"

Bye bye, fantasy woman. Bye bye, nice ass. Bye bye, raging hard on.
No longer was i sipping cocktails with the hot one on the beach prepairing for a night of inadequite lovemaking. Now i was Ponce de Leon' and instead of finding the fountain of youth, i just found the river of blood.


And another thing, why the hell was playtex trying to advertise their new thong panty liners... during a family movie?

What is little timmy feeling adventureous?


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The Case Against Mark Hitler [19 Sep 2002|10:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Today, when i signed on to livejournal my intention was to list observations i had made since starting college. However, when i logged on i noticed another incoherent rambling from the KKK's favorite american Mark Hitler. Now, for those of you who just joined us. Mark Hitler is a man probably in his late 20's who seems to have some kind of desire to battle me, a young lad of 17 in intellectual combat. That of course perplexes me... you see that would be akin to me challenging a fetus (of half child if you want to be a dick about it) to American Gladiators. I mean come on... what the fuck.

Sidenote: i would so tear that fetus up in powerball.

Anyway, to get back on subject... for some reason this douche' bag has it out for me. And the funny/sad part is that he, a man of at least 26-27 years of age is losing to me. Then again i guess i'm being a little rough on him. He probably didn't know i'm going to be 18 in six weeks... so i guess he'll have to find a new target. Hey Mr. Hitler there is a retarded girl down the street who can do nothing but squeal and drool. If i prove to be too much of a challenge for you.. i'm sure you can beat her.

But i digress, when i realized that this wierdo was after me, i sat down and began to search for reasons why Mr. Hitler is so obcessed with underage boys.

Theory 1: Mr. Hitler loves the cock.
Theory 2: Mr. Hitler is a devout catholic (if confused by the reference, see theory 1)
Theory 3: Mr. Hitler is in actuality President Bush
Theory 4: Mr. Hitler is a pedophile (see theory 2)
Theory 5: Mr. Hitler is in actuality the evil Baron Biner
Theory 6: Mr. Hitler has a really small dick, and therefore could never fully please a woman... or even a small dog.
Theory 7: Mr. Hitler is indeed Adolf Hitler... in which case, he is one of the sickest fucks in human history
Theory 8: Mr. Hitler is jealous of Jess' looks and intellect
Theory 9: Mr. Hitler is really President Bush... oops.. looks like i had a republican moment
Theory 10: ...oh who gives a fuck...
the bottom line is this. Hitler.. you want to go one on one with the mojoic one...
well that's all fine and good...
because just like all the racist, sexist, necrophilliacs before you...
when the dust settles, and the smoke clears you will realize just like your hero Adolf Hitler that in a world of ignorance...
I am the becon of truth, I am the harbringer of knowledge and I am beyond a shadow of a doubt... a moronic fucknut's worst nightmare.

And even though we are the minority, one day myself, drew, nick, marisa, the twin jesuses and kiernan along with all our allies will one day fill this world with the truth whether ignorant assholes like you want to hear it or not.

P.S I was talking to Kate, and she suggested that you may want to go to a psychologist to deal with you repressed homosexuality, which has been causing all your aggressive and generally immature behavior. I mean seriously man... seek medical help... your delusional...

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The Legend of the Jack-Off [19 Sep 2002|12:08am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Charles Darwin proposed that for the more evolved members to survive it must be at the expense of the less evolved ones. Or in other words good people survive at the expense of fucknuts.

One such fucknut came into contast with me. He labeled himself as just mark. However for sake of this lets call him Mark "I really want to kill the jews and blacks" Hitler. Now Mr. Hitler apparantly thinks he is the consument american. He belives that anyone who doesn't think like he does is a terrorist. He also neglected to read this little think called THE CONSTITUTION. Now i know everyone in my reading audience (with the notible exception of the monkey...) is well informed enough to know that THE CONSTITUTION guarantees americans the (and here comes the good part fucknut) the freedom of speech.

Now what that means is that even if you disagree with Mark Hitler, and you don't believe that the jews or blacks should be killed, you have the right to that opinion. But don't tell Hitler that, he'll just leave nasty hate mail in you comments box where he doesn't use correct grammer or spelling just like the twisted necrophilliac he is.

So in conclusion.

Me: -likes the jews and blacks and all of gods people
-believes in the freedom of speech
-thinks women are people and should be treated as such
-bathes regularly
-has a normal sized penis
-isn't a member of any crackpot hate groups
-has human parents
-doesn't suffer from mental retardation

Mark Hitler:
-really wants to kill the jews and all non-white, non-christian peoples
-believes only in freedom of speech if you agree with him
-believes that all women are his slaves due to his "right as a man"
-bathes... in his own feces...
-has a penis the size of a vienna sausage
-is a member of the aryan-brotherhood
-bastard love child of a man and a black lab
-is retarded beyond even the monkey

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"Bush says if UN doesn't attack Iraq, then the US will." [15 Sep 2002|01:14am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

That was the fucking headline of the wednesday baltimore sun. Before i tackle that one, i would like to dispell some myths about President Bush.

1. Bush is not the second coming of christ... so stop talking like he is
2. No matter how you rework the soundbyte, we all know he doesn't know how to say stragegy
3. Bush thinks naval attacks are when you clear the lint out of your bellybutton
4. Bush is not a hero for what he did. He is a man who sencelessly and needlessly put thousands of lives (soldiers) in danger to further his own cause. (looking better and becoming more popular)
5. Osama bin Laden is a man who sencelessly and needlessly killed thousands of people (WTC) to further his own cause (anti-americanism)
6. Bush is either a really smart ape or a really dimwitted human.

But i digress. So Bush told the UN that if they don't bring Saddam to justice, that he and the united states will take justice into his hands. Now folks i don't know about you but if i go to the world police and say if they don't arrest someone i'll kill them i would go to jail. However, Bush does the same thing and now people think hes ballsy.
Anyway, we don't even know if saddam is a threat. Bush keeps saying he is, and we are supposed to take that as if it was the word of god. (For christians, see dispelled myth number 1)

Here, let me give you a senario. Lets say that i am in a class of 30. I want to convince the class that the guy who sits in the back, lets call him saddam, is a threat to all of us. So i tell them that i have evidence that saddam has a oh i don't know nuclear missles. However when the class asks to see the evidence i tell them they cant. And then when they don't believe me, i say that if they won't help me, then i'm gonna go to saddams house and stab him then eat his body.

In conclusion, war is bad. Terrorists are bad. Terrorist kill innocent people to further themselves. Bush killed innocent people to further himself. You do the math.

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Existance in a Rogue State of Mind [12 Sep 2002|12:20am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Death is a painful thing. It allways is... even when your worst enemy dies, you mourn the loss of having an enemy. People wish others were dead but in the end, everyone need a nemisis... its what makes life intersting.
However, i digress.
If i were to go to the Pearl Harbor memorial, and smoked a joint. I'd be considered disrespectful to those who died. And in essence i would be disrespectful to their memory.
If i were to organize a mass orgy on the beaches of normandy on d-day, i would also be considered disrespectful.
If i went to germany to a concentration camp and drank a case of coors while waving an american flag and watching a "Holocaust highlight reel" i would be disrespectful to the millions of jews who were killed during ww2.
Yet, if i put an american flag sticker on my car, and stay home watching footage of 3000 people losing their lives over and over again while getting completly plastered and then talk about killing arabs because "they are all the same"... that makes me a patriotic American.

Now that just seems odd to me... My great-grandfather meant the world to me. He died on Dec. 4, yet when the anniversery of his passing comes around... i don't look at the autopsy photos... i don't mentally think about his death over and over... that would be sick. I get up... i realize what day it is... and i thank whatever higher power that exists or lack there of, for the time i had.

What the hell kind of sick fuck watches their loved one die...
over and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
you think its going to stop... but you went to CNN
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
wait you turn off the tv... but you turn on the radio
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
you turn off the radio... but you pull out one of the 100's of photo books...
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over

Do we see the madness? I mourn the loss of my fellow human but i have no desire to watch them die repeatedly over and over... for 24 hours. The people who watched all that, and the people who broadcasted it, and the people who made money of this... well quite frankly you are sick fucking people. And you have taken a piss on their memory and on the county as a whole.

Now, don't bitch to me or hate me because this is what i believe.
And don't tell me what i just said is UnAmerican... at least don't to that until you read the decleration of independence the constitution and the bill of rights.

P.S. enjoy the freedom of speech part.

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The End of an Era and the Beginning of Another [26 Aug 2002|02:52pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Well, college starts in 2 days which means I will once again be posting in my journal. However, I still remain committed to you the viewing audience, to bring you the greatest in pissed off, moronic rants about my bittersweet existance. Thus today I bring you and update of the events of the last three months. The MVPs of the summer. The winners and losers. I will award two people lifetime achievement awards.

First the winners of the summer:

White wolf- damn you guys are making an assload of money of us...
UMBC- lucky bastards got trav, drew, myself and leahy... lucky bastards...
Angry White Men- well Bush sure does like bombing third world nations...

And now the first winner of a lifetime achievement award:

The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels- By far the greatest wrestler of all time. He made a one night comeback last night at summerslam against HHH. That match stole the show, a feat that is very hard when you are on the same card as Brock Lesner, Chris Benoit, and Rob Van Dam. Shawn Michaels was the first wrestler of the "new generation" to be truly well rounded. He had a solid mat sence, high flying ability, and great charisma to boot.

The Losers of The Summer:

The Catholic Church- why don't you pray to God for the strength to stop fondling little boys... jackasses
Liberty High School- for losing the illustrious ranks of team hate, and our allies...
America- kiss freedom good bye, the president is in town
Innocent people- see above
Non-white people-see above
Jews- see above
Women- see aboe
Anyone who isn't a rich white man- see above
Kelly- for being a totally henious bitch... that is all

And now to announce the MVPs of this summer:

Zach, Trav, and Drew- when dave left we all had to do our part to make up for his absence... and largely due to you three, Team Hate is still a force to be reckoned with
Tressa- You started showing up again... that was nice
Danielle- Made this summer and graduation a lot easier. I am very appreciative.
Dawn- Much like Danielle, you got me through graduation. It is a shame that whatever friendship we could have will just be ruined by kelly.
Kate- Pretty much you are the embodyment of all that is right with humanity. The embodyment of all the qualitys that one associates with all that is good in the world. I really hope college life is good to you because you deserve it.

And now for the second lifetime achievement award:

The second recipiant of the lifetime achievement award, is a man who was once refered to as "a man in a world of boys." He was the teacher of the year for the 2001-2002 school year in maryland. He is the omniscent Timothy J. Durkin. Timothy J. was the teacher who allied himself with the illustrious Team Hate, a ballsy move in an age when ignorance is beloved and intellect is frowned upon in every walk of life, even in the office of the president. He is a man of great dignity and presence. And quite frankly one of the last good things which exist in the corrupt racism of Carroll County and by far the last good thing about their Hitler-esque school system.

Well I hope you enjoyed the summer countdown. Next week Mike Ruch Presents: The Penis Soliquy

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More Wisdom From The Nefarious Messiah [19 Jul 2002|01:58am]
[ mood | amused ]

Think about this:
a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health
& Human Services)

Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure the statistics on lawyers have been withheld
for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

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The Rise and Fall of Team Hate [03 Jul 2002|12:02am]
As I write this in the basement at number 2's house, I feel greater betrayal than at any point in my life. When Dave and I started Team Hate, we founded it because people like us never had a voice... people like us, never had numbers we never had a place to go. In my mind we did this to create a group of people who shared our views and outlook. Slowly it grew... and so did the walks of life it covered. Now i'll be the first to say that conflict was created... but we survived because we cared more for each other that we did ourselves. I personally don't know why dave quit... or why the hell he hates me or my people.. but i can say this... with dave or without him... Team Hate is my baby... and quite frankly I care more for its members than i ever will about myself. And if dave doesn't see that and if he cares only for himself then quite frankly maybe Team Hate is stronger now... we can only wait and see...
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